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Physics Funnies*

The study of non-linear Physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

What is the definition of a tachyon?

It's a gluon
that's not completely dry.

There are three kinds of people in the world:

those who can count and those who can't.

There are 10 types of people in the world:

Those that understand binary and those who don't.

Analysis: 1) Differentiate it and put into the refrigerator. Then integrate it in the refridgerator. 2) Redefine the measure on the refrigerator (or the elephant). 3) Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem. Number theory: 1) First factorize, second multiply. 2) Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in. Algebra: 1) Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refridgerator. Step 2. Show that the refridgerator. is closed under the addition. 2) Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant. Topology: 1) Have it swallow the refridgerator. and turn inside out. 2) Make a refridgerator. with the Klein bottle. 3) The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant. 4) The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That's usually good enough. 5) The property of being inside the refrigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant's mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator. 6) For those who object to method 3 because it's cruel to animals. Put the elephant's BABY in the refrigerator. Algebraic topology: Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3. Linear algebra: 1) Put just its basis and span it in the refridgerator. 2) Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x. Affine geometry: There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator. Set theory: 1) It's very easy! refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c. Geometry: Declare the following: Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator. Complex analysis: Put the refridgerator. at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion. Numerical analysis: 1) Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term. 2) Work it out using the Pentium. Statistics: 1) bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say "Done." 2) dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refridgerator. 3) Our NEW study shows that you CAN'T put the elephant in the refrigerator.

What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice.

Zorn's Lemon.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra.

Elephant zebra sin theta.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

Elephant-grape-sin theta)

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber.

You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?

Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule.

What do you get when you cross a tsetse with a mountain climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar.

What do you get when you cross a mountain goat and a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross two scalars.

What's non-orientable and lives in the sea?

Mobius Dick.

What do you get when you put a spinning flywheel in a casket and turn a corner?

A funeral precession

What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals?

Cantor's Diagonal Elephant!

What do you call a young eigensheep?

A lamb, duh!!!

What goes "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"?

A parroty error!!

What did the circle say to the tangent line?

"Stop touching me!"

How do you make one burn?

Differentiate a log fire. (that one is subtle)